What does it mean to be a woman? Depending on who you ask, this question can have a multitude of answers. Ask a Christian? They’ll probably direct you to Proverbs 31. And, yeah ok, they’re not wrong. But they’re not exactly 100% right either. I can tell you why with two simple questions. Single ladies, how does that answer make you feel? What about you, childless wives?
See, often I think the Church emphasizes marriage and motherhood way too much. God did not create us to be wives and mothers; God created us to glorify Him!
“Bring all who claim me as their God,For I have made them for my glory. It was I who created them.” Isaiah 43:7 (NLT)
Being a wife is great. And motherhood is wonderful. I deeply cherish both of these roles I hold. But they are just that. Roles. In the same way that daughter, granddaughter, sister, sister-in-law, niece, aunt, friend, employee, student, mentor, neighbor, and citizen are roles. They are not who we are. We are children of God (John 1:12) created in His image (Genesis 1:27) bought with His blood to ultimately bring Him glory (1 Corinthians 6:20).
That does not mean it won’t be hard to struggle through the desire for Prince Charming as you hit that “old maid” stage of–eek!–your thirties. That does not mean you may not go through heartache as you try month after month to conceive and that stick still turns up with only one blue line. It can crush you when God says “Not yet,” or even worse, “No.” What I’m trying to say is that you are no less of a woman because you have not had these experiences.
Yeah, I married my high school sweetheart. And yeah, the second my husband and I mentioned the word “family,” I got pregnant–twice. But being a wife and mother is where God has me right now. They are not what makes me a woman, and this is contrary to what many people perpetuate–especially and unfortunately including many people in the Church. I struggle with my identity in the same way every other woman does. So much so, that I have literally gotten lost in the roles of wife and mother and forgotten who I really am. Or should I say, whose I really am.
There was the time in college (before my husband and I were married) where Ken and I briefly broke up. At that time, we had already spent four years together as a couple, and I had been so wrapped up in being “Ken’s Girlfriend” that I quite literally did not know how to function outside of that role. I can safely say it was one of the darkest moments of my life. But God drew me closer to Himself and I was able to slowly realize that “Ken’s Girlfriend” was not who I was.
Then, more recently, I was so caught up in being “Kenneth’s Mommy” that my husband had to sit me down and tell me that he felt more like my roommate than my husband. Ouch, you guys. I was spending so much time and energy during the day being “Kenneth’s Mommy” that I had almost nothing left for my husband when he got home.
See? It’s easy to get lost in one role. Also, take a look at how I referenced those roles: Ken’s Girlfriend and Kenneth’s Mommy. Do I belong to those two? No. I am the Lord’s. Period.
What does it mean to find my identity in Christ? I love how 1 Peter 3:18 puts it: Christ died to bring us “safely home to God.” The imagery is beautiful. Think about what it means to be at home. For me, it’s peace, comfort, rest, acceptance, joy, and love. I feel this unconditionally. And 1 Peter clearly says that our home is with the Lord. It may seem as if we are being pulled in different directions because we live in a world that is not our home. But 1 John 3:1-2 exorts us. We are children of God, but the world does not recognize us as such because they don’t know God! It tries to steal our identity.
So how do we keep our identities from being taken from us? How do we refrain from thinking of ourselves as “future spouses?” How do we discontinue thinking we are less of a woman because we can’t or don’t have children? How do we keep from getting lost in our roles as wives and mommies?
Check out Romans 12:2:
Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. (NLT)
We have to let God transform us! Can I confess something to y’all? I have to preach this verse to my heart daily. I find myself believing the things of the world. I find myself trusting lies from Satan. I find myself desiring things that may be good but not the ultimate. I have to pray in that exact moment that God would “change the way I think.” Let me tell you, it’s a process, but it is so sweet when He starts to draw you near to Him and reveal how He sees you and tells you who you really are.
So ladies, don’t let Satan, don’t let the world, and don’t let the Church steal this from you! Instead, reflect on the words of Jesus as he prayed to the Father on our behalf: John 17.