There was a time last winter in Aruba on holiday where I was doing really great. I felt connected to God, learning about forgiveness and spent a lot of time eating with (and annoying) my family. When it was time to go back to the Netherlands in January to continue my University studies suddenly everything tumbled. My relationship with God had become almost nonexistent. I felt depressed and overwhelmed. I really didn’t want turn to God. I tried running from God. I kept trying to run farther and farther away. This feeling continued for a couple of months.
When I really needed God the most, well, he is the last person I was turning to. I felt like the prodigal son. You know, the parable Jesus told in Luke 15:11-32. If you don’t know it, basically it’s about a loving father who had two sons. One of them demanded his inheritance and left the house to have a reckless life, while the other son stayed out of obligation. No matter what, the Father continued to love them both. I felt like I was the prodigal son because in my own way I was demanding my inheritance and living a reckless life because I wasn’t trusting God.
Don’t get me wrong, I did believe in Him and trusted that He could do anything. But when it came to my personal problems, I thought I knew better. I thought I could handle it. At first I could… but soon it went bad, and later worse… it was a mess. The worst part is that I knew I was making that mess and still didn’t ask for help. I felt I was drowning and nobody could rescue me.
Friend: Where are you running to?Me: I don’t know… I’m running away…Friend: Do you believe that God is everywhere?Me: Yes! Of course!Friend: So you’re running away from God to go towards God?
Those simple questions made me realize I’ve been running for nothing. There is nowhere I can run where God is not already there.
“Lord, you know everything there is to know about me. You’ve examined my innermost being with your loving gaze. You perceive every movement of my heart and soul, and understand my every thought before it even enters my mind. You are so intimately aware of me, Lord. You read my heart like an open book and you know all the words I’m about to speak before I even start a sentence! You know every step I will take before my journey even begins! You’ve gone into my future to prepare the way, and in kindness you follow behind me to spare me from the harm of my past. With your hand of love upon my life, you impart a Father’s blessing to me. This is just too wonderful, deep, and incomprehensible! Your understanding of me brings me wonder and strength.” (Psalm 139:1-6, TPT)
At first I was frustrated with myself… Why did I think I could run away from God? But the good news is God is always with us wherever we may run. He is always there patiently waiting on us. God will not force us or push us. It is hard sometimes to pray, worship and read the Bible. Especially when I am still going through stuff, but this time I’m not running. Even when I am being stubborn, I feel my spirit is digging deeper.
And when I really start to listen I feel peace and confidence that He is in control.