The overflowing well of His living Word and friendship with us has become abundantly clear to me: When we decide to spend time with Him like we would with a friend, we are infinitely more renewed than when we hang out with our friends.

In January I spent a day on a solitude retreat. One of the things I sensed was  I needed to do it again during spring break. So I did it for one morning in March. On that very convicting morning, I decided to spend a day with Him every month. It was an easy ask to say yes to, as those two days have without a doubt made heaven feel ever so real to me. So, in May I started my now monthly Sunday afternoon with God. During it, I presented this prayer before Him to begin:

Lord, look at my heart and all its toys. Teach me today how to surrender, to present requests, to grasp the depths of your love: your grace – your mercy – your promises. As I see it in this moment, these requests and questions are on my heart: [followed by 7 questions that had been on my heart and mind lately]

I sat there with just my Bible and journal and went through, question by question, letting chapters come alive in my heart that I was pretty sure were related to each of the questions I had. What I was trying to do was Jeremiah 33:3 — “Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not already know.” This was not the approach I had taken in January and March when I went on a solitude retreat, so I was curious as to why God had placed this new approach on my heart.

By the time I had finished reading and considering the scriptures of the first 5 questions, I was truly exhausted mentally. What God revealed to me in those answers will have lasting implications for years to come. This blog is the introduction of the story that will undoubtedly unfold from one of these revelations that day. To start off, a scripture:

“And without faith, it is impossible to please Him. For whoever would draw near to God must believe that He exists AND that He rewards those who seek Him” Hebrews 11:6 (emphasis added).

Recently when listening to the commentary by Tim Keller, Galatians For You, Keller said, “You can’t believe God without believing in God, but you can believe in God without believing God.” (p. 73). Do you see the difference? For those of us who grew up in the Bible Belt, in what many call “cultural Christianity,” there is a major difference between believing in God and actually BELIEVING God’s promises in our hearts. For me, it ironically led to me discovering I was not really believing God OR believing in God for my first 21 years of life.

So when I read Hebrews 11:6, I understood that to draw near to God by believing in Him is not something we can just gloss over as Christians, assuming we have mastered believing in His existence just by saying it to ourselves or other Christians. Not only that, but we can’t forget to pull the action verb of believing to the last part of the sentence: For those who draw near to God must believe that … He rewards those who seek Him.

In the past two years of graduate school, I was put in a lot of situations where I could comfortably evangelize. Before coming to Austin, I never thought of evangelism as something that I was emboldened to do or even equipped to do, so becoming comfortable with testifying to the faith was completely unexpected. Yet the way my future plans are shaping out, it does not seem that I am going to be in a place that is desperate for the gospel. It seems instead that I’m going to a place that has many bold believers. So what do I make of that? Am I letting my heart obey His commands? Am I ignoring what gift he’s starting to build in me for a lucrative and fun career move? Am I really seeking Him by making this move? This word “obedience” keeps reappearing in my life lately.

These are the questions I’ve been wrestling with. Even since the solitude and silence, the enemy is continuing to tell me confusing lies and to make me doubt God’s clear commands. Through the scriptures He revealed to me, even unknowingly through that first sentence of my prayer I wrote above: Get rid of the toys. Have a radical change in how you spend money.

When I say “He revealed” I mean through the Living Word:

“Do not say to your neighbor, “Go, and come again, tomorrow I will give it”—when you have it with you.” Proverbs 3:28

“What kind of house will you build for me?” Acts 7:49

“Now such persons we command and encourage in the Lord Jesus Christ to do their work quietly and to earn their own living. As for you, brothers, do not grow weary in doing good.” 2 Thessalonians 3:12-13

So this must be part of what obedience looks like in my current life stage. If I believe God, then I can’t ignore His word. A radical change in how I spend my money means I would be giving up the main thing — $$$$ —  that the world tells us is OURS and not God’s. I don’t know what a “radical change” really means yet, and so far I really only have some educated guesses based on what that might mean in context of Philippians 2:4:

Look not to your own interests, but to the needs of others.

The Lord keeps bringing this scripture to my mind during prayer. Maybe I should get a house with an extra room and open it up to those who need it? Perhaps it’s about how I spend my free time on nights and weekends — that I should be very intentional in which ministries I invest my time and money? Various ideas have sprung up in my mind, but in the meantime, I’m trying to make seemingly small sacrifices in how I spend my money today while I wait for further instruction.

The bold question I am really asking myself related to Hebrews 11:6 is this: Do I want to be comfortable or do I want to be affected?

These two things cannot coexist if we are to give it all up to follow Christ. Every day I seek to learn something new about what it means to fear God, to believe God – His mercy – His promises – His grace. I want to be affected. I want to feel his affections and to pour them out onto others. I long to have more faith. To please Him. To draw near to Him. To praise Him in all circumstances.

I am praying that He builds in me, and you too, the boldness to ask what kind of house I am building and you are building, whether that’s monetarily, relationally, or otherwise. I pray you listen to God in times of solitude and silence to hear His command to have a radical change in some area of your life, so that the message of Hebrews 11:6 is amongst your greatest desires and the lies of the enemy are dim, pathetic whispers in comparison to the loud cry of our Savior who already did the most radical thing of all for us. He would have paid that price even if it was just you and you alone roaming this earth. Now, what could be more radical than that?