The start of the new year always brings an onslaught of emotion and reflection for me. My birthday falls on December 30^th, so as the world turns another year older, I do as well. To be frank, as of late this event has failed to yield an overwhelming amount of contentment and gratitude in my heart. Instead, the combination of the new year and my birthday feels as though I am being given a double-dosage of “these are all of the things you thought would have happened by now but haven’t.”

THE PLACE I FIND MYSELF

I just turned 26. If you went back and asked younger Claire, by the age of 26 I would be married or at least in a serious relationship. I would have lived in a major city, out of state, or even out of the country. I might have started a company or at least be well into a draft of my first book.

Instead, I live in College Station, the same place I have lived for the past 7.5 years. I’m single as a pringle. My progress on my most extensive writing project remains shorter than this blog post.

Now, before I get all “Kate Winslet in The Holiday right before she decides to switch houses with Cameron Diaz,” there are countless beautifully unexpected things about my life right now. I have a job I literally love going to every day, an incredible community, and more time to explore, think, create, and invest in relationships than I likely ever will again.

But I can’t shake the feeling, here in my upper 20’s, that I am waiting for something, longing for something. Last year, four of my closest friends’ got engaged and married, I had my first year not as a student, and it was the first year I felt a temptation to look up to Jesus and say, “Hey. Remember me? What are we up to right now?”

ANTICIPATION OR DESPERATION?

It’s trendy to start each year with a word. When 2020 arrived, my word was bursting from my brain: anticipation. I felt an expectation for God to move in my life. However, if I am honest with myself, the word that more accurately described my state of mind going into the year was desperation. Desperation for doors to open, a way forward made clear, and prayers I have prayed for years to be answered the way I want them to be answered.

With this desperation, questions emerged from the depths of my mind:

What if God is withholding from me? What if my heart is left longing forever? What if God’s plan isn’t good?

Anticipation and desperation, at the surface, don’t seem that different. Both contain a sense of longing. Both are anchored in what is to come. However, the difference between anticipation and desperation is that one flows from a place of faith and abandonment to providence and the other is birthed in a place of distrust and despair.

This realization came to me last week at the very beginning of a talk when I heard the following question:

“Isn’t it exciting to see what God’s going to do?”

This question hit my heart like a rush of freshwater. I felt rejuvenated and refreshed. Somehow, these words enabled me to see my hopelessness and respond by making an act of faith.

Father, I am so excited to see what you’re going to do. I’m excited to see what you’re going to do with tomorrow, with this season, with 2020, with this decade, and with the entirety of my life, so long as I get to live it with you.

LIFE WITH CHRIST, IN ALL SEASONS

If you’re like me, and you find yourself in what feels like an in-between stage, pray with these questions: Do I trust God has a plan for my life? Do I trust His plan is good? Do I trust I will be able to discover His plan? Do I trust I will be able to say ‘yes’ to it when I discover it? Do I trust that regardless of my circumstances, age, or accomplishments, life with Christ is something to be excited about? 

In the words of Saint John Paul II, “Life with Christ is a wonderful adventure.” “Isn’t it exciting to see what God’s going to do?”

And yet, all my unfulfilled hopes and desires are still just as real and relevant. However, as I look forward to the rest of the year, I will use the above question to determine if I am living in anticipation or desperation. When I find myself in moments of desperation, I will use it as an opportunity to make a confident act of love, trusting the Father, His will, and His timing. I will wait with anticipation to see how Jesus is calling me to grow as His disciple and daughter.

CONTINUED PROGRESS

I came across the following prayer Paul has for the church at the beginning of Colossians. I found it to be beautifully consoling. It has become my prayer of the year. It is my prayer for you, as well as myself. My Bible has it subtitled as the “Prayer for Continued Progress.” What a beautiful statement; a simple desire. Jesus, may this year be a year of continued progress towards you, your heart, and the work you would have me do for your Kingdom.

Whether you’re recently retired, an empty-nester, a stay-at-home mom with young kiddos, a young professional, or a single 26-year-old in College Station, let us continually progress with endurance, patience, joy, and anticipation towards the Father and all He has in store.

PRAYER FOR CONTINUED PROGRESS: Therefore, from the day we heard this, we do not cease praying for you and asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding to live in a manner worthy of the Lord, so as to be fully pleasing, in every good work bearing fruit and growing in the knowledge of God, strengthened with every power, in accord with his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy giving thanks to the Father, who has made you fit to share in the inheritance of the holy ones in light. He delivered us from the power of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. (Colossians 1:9-14)